Judge: how do you plead? Me: [looks at lawyer] Lawyer: [mouths 'not guilty'] Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
When you're a kid, blowing out birthday candles is the most exciting moment of the year. You close your eyes, make a wish, and feel like magic is real. When you're in your forties, you close your eyes, take a deep breath, and...
My laptop told me it was really looking forward to autumn this year. I asked why, and it said it had been waiting all year for the perfect opportunity.
When you're young, your body just does things automatically, catch a falling object, jump over a puddle, sprint for the bus. It's incredible. Then somewhere around your late thirties, your body starts sending those same signals... but adds a tiny disclaimer at the end.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow? Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille,
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