Hell Has Officially Frozen Over: Here’s a List of All the Promises You Now Have to Keep

Well, pack your parkas and grab your industrial-strength ice skates, because the impossible has finally happened. According to reports from the deepest, darkest pits of the underworld, the thermostat has officially plummeted below zero. That’s right: Hell has frozen over. We always knew this day was coming—usually whenever we said things like, "I’ll start going to the gym when Hell freezes over" or "I’ll stop eating leftover pizza for breakfast when Hell freezes over"—but seeing the Prince of Darkness in a knitted beanie is still a bit of a shock.

The transition from "eternal lake of fire" to "glacier of perpetual regret" has caused some significant logistical nightmares for the afterlife’s management team. According to anonymous sources close to the pitchfork, the demons are currently scrambling to find enough rock salt to de-ice the Highway to Hell. Apparently, the road is paved with good intentions, which, as it turns out, have a very low melting point and become incredibly slippery when covered in black ice. Commuters are advised to take the scenic route through Purgatory, though expect heavy delays near the DMV section.

The local residents are reportedly not taking the news well. Sisyphus has spent the last six hours trying to push his boulder up a frozen incline, only to have it slide back down and take out a row of frozen stalagmites. Meanwhile, Tantalus is finding it even harder to reach that fruit now that his fingers are stuck to a frozen branch like that kid from A Christmas Story. We’ve been told there is currently a shortage of triple-layered thermal underwear in the gift shop, and the "Lake of Fire" has been rebranded as the "Rink of Reckoning."

But the real chaos is happening here on Earth. Now that the cosmic "Hell Freezes Over" clause has been activated, several historical debts and promises are coming due. My high school crush just received a notification that she technically has to go to prom with me now, and my local cable provider is legally obligated to provide consistent customer service and lower their rates. Even more terrifyingly, several politicians have been spotted actually telling the truth, simply because they ran out of excuses once the temperature dropped.

Scientists are still trying to determine the cause of this sudden cold snap. Some blame global cooling in the spiritual realm, while others suggest that someone finally checked the "Terms and Conditions" box on an update without reading it, triggering a catastrophic glitch in the afterlife’s HVAC system. Whatever the reason, if you’ve spent your life saying you’d do something "when Hell freezes over," you’d better get to work. I, for one, will be at the gym. Right after I finish this breakfast pizza.