5 People You’ll Definitely Witness Recording Your Choking Instead of Helping During a Fancy Dinner Party

We have all been there. You are at a fancy dinner party, trying to look sophisticated while eating a piece of overcooked steak, when suddenly, the person across from you starts making a face like they just remembered they left the stove on at home. Their eyes bulge, their face turns a lovely shade of eggplant, and they start doing the silent jazz hands of distress. They are choking. Now, your first instinct might be to help, but based on recent observations of humanity, most people have absolutely no clue how to handle a respiratory emergency without making it infinitely worse.

First and foremost, let us talk about the "back slap." If you see someone struggling to breathe, do not treat their spine like a malfunctioning jukebox. Wailing on someone's back with the force of a professional wrestler is more likely to lodge that piece of shrimp deeper into their lungs than it is to send it flying across the room. Unless your goal is to physically fold your friend in half like a piece of origami, maybe dial back the percussion. You are trying to save a life, not auditioning for a drum circle.

Next on the list of what not to do is the classic "interrogation method." When a person is clutching their throat and turning blue, that is not the time to ask them complex, open ended questions. Do not lean in and ask, "Are you having trouble swallowing the artisanal sourdough, or is this a commentary on the political climate?" They cannot breathe, Susan. They certainly cannot give you a Yelp review of the appetizers at this moment. A simple "Are you choking?" is all you need. If they nod, move to action. If they stare at you with the cold fury of a thousand suns, you probably just asked a stupid question.

Then there is the "water cure." Some geniuses think that if a person has a solid object stuck in their windpipe, the best solution is to pour a glass of liquids down there to wash it down. This is not a clogged sink. You are essentially trying to create a pressurized water slide in their throat, which usually just results in the person choking on the food and drowning on the sparkling water simultaneously. It is a bold multitasking move, but generally frowned upon by medical professionals.

Finally, please refrain from the "spectator sport" approach. Do not pull out your phone to record the event for your "Life Comes at You Fast" TikTok compilation. Nobody wants their final moments on earth to be documented through a dog face filter with a sped up remix of a pop song playing in the background. Put the phone down, put the steak knife away, and try to remember that one thirty second video you watched about the Heimlich maneuver three years ago. Or, at the very least, stop hitting them like they owe you money.