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No End in Sight

No end in sight... I can't see an end. I have no control. I don't think there's any escape. I don't even have a home anymore.

The Helpful Wife

My wife is kind to strangers, she stopped an old lady from buying evaporated milk...

Appraisal Issues

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth

Frozen Puns

This winter, ice crystals will stick together and fall from the sky

The Handyman's Unfinished Business

Knock knock. Who's there? Drywall. Drywall who?

Marital Status

What's the male equivalent of a widow?

Speed Demon

I just raced a Smart car.

Specific Ambitions

Growing up, I always wanted to be someone.

An Unlikely Alliance

An Eel asked an Eagle: do you know why we can't team up?

The Snickers Distraction

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers.

Space Exploration Mishaps

Curiosity killed the cat...

Hydrant Factory Blues

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained:

Early Shift

What time does a mechanic wake up?

The Rickroll Collection

Rick Astley asked to borrow my Pixar collection.

Lawn Care Tragedy

I read in the news today that a man in Los Angeles was killed when he got caught up in a turf war.

The Delivery Room Dilemma

As my wife gave birth all the doctors yelled, "Push!"

Gorilla Rejection

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*

Disposal Dilemma

My garbage disposal can't even handle this banana

A Bitter Commute

The definition of mixed emotions...