I tried to get a job at the vegetable warehouse, but they let me go because I couldn't keep my stalks in line.
They said my performance was spears-only.
I asked a giraffe if he ever gets tired of being so tall. He said, 'Honestly, the height doesn't bother me at all.'
My wireless headphones are so loyal that they refuse to connect to my phone while I’m holding it, yet they have no problem pairing with my neighbor’s smart fridge three houses away.
I asked my weather app what the chances of rain were today. It said 0%. I walked outside and immediately got soaked. When I opened the app to complain, it had already updated to say 'Light showers expected earlier today.'
Spent the day removing $550,000,000 worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Woman next to me at coffee shop just asked a guy who's farther away to watch her computer for a sec.
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