Local Criminal Forgets How Stealing Works in Most Impressive Display of Stupidity Yet

There is a certain level of logical thinking required to be a successful criminal. Usually, this involves a basic understanding of cause and effect. If you take something that does not belong to you, the goal is to keep it. However, one aspiring mastermind recently decided to flip the script on the entire legal system by executing a plan so spectacularly stupid that it actually borders on performance art.

Our protagonist, whose name has been withheld to protect the incredibly small amount of dignity he has left, decided to break into a local residence to liberate a significant stash of marijuana. Now, usually, when someone steals weed, the objective is to sell it, trade it for a used PlayStation, or smoke it in the comfort of their own basement while watching conspiracy theory documentaries. But things took a turn for the surreal when the thief realized the police were closing in.

Faced with the terrifying prospect of being caught with the evidence, our hero reached deep into his bag of bad ideas and pulled out the nuclear option. Instead of ditching the bag in a dumpster or flushing it down a very overworked toilet, he decided to burn the evidence. All of it. Right then and there. He figured that if the physical plant matter no longer existed, the police would simply tip their hats, apologize for the intrusion, and go home to have a nice salad.

There is a slight flaw in this strategy that anyone who has ever been near a campfire or a burnt piece of toast could have pointed out. When you burn things, they do not just vanish into the phantom zone. They turn into smoke. And when you burn a massive quantity of high grade marijuana in a confined space, you are not destroying evidence. You are essentially turning the crime scene into a giant, localized music festival.

By the time the authorities arrived, they did not need a search warrant or a K9 unit. They just needed to follow the thick, pungent cloud of skunk scented logic wafting through the air. The officers reportedly found the suspect standing in the middle of a literal haze of his own making. He was, quite predictably, the most relaxed man ever to be placed in handcuffs. It is hard to play it cool and deny everything when you are currently inhaling the very evidence you are trying to hide.

The thief was charged with both the theft and a variety of other offenses, though we can assume the interrogation process was fairly easy. It is difficult to maintain a complex web of lies when your primary concern is whether or not the police station has a vending machine with those spicy nacho chips. In the end, he proved that while you can burn the evidence, you cannot escape the fact that you have just turned yourself into a human incense stick.