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Polite Pastries

You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise,

The Three-Second Outing

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed

A Legal Loophole

I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. I shot him and the judge gave me 30 years.

Graveyard Rules

Did you know that your local graveyard doesn't allow anyone who lives where you are to be buried there?

A Musical Misunderstanding

Thought I saw a fat guy doing a killer air harmonica

Retail Paranoia

The awkward moment when you think a customer is a salesperson.

The Sleepy Cow

Why did the moron give the sleepy cow a hammer?

Stevie's Perspective

If I were Stevie Wonder I would say 'I'll believe it when I see it' in response to pretty much anything

Bad Connection

Why did AT&T have the worst wedding?

The Greedy Crustacean

How did the shrimp eat all the fish food?

The Round Table

What was the name of the knight who sat all the way around the Round Table?

The Termite's Query

A termite walks into a bar...

Corporate Yolo

*boss trying to relate to younger employees* "Excited for the weekend? I know I'll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!"

The Outlaw Dog

Why did the 3-legged dog go back to Dodge City?

Holy Heroes

What do you call a team of Christian mutant superheroes?

Higher Education

Why did the M&M go to university?

A Pica-resque Tale

A man with pica walks into a bar...

Pirate Getaway

Where does a pirate go on vacation?

Spider Defense

[outside a blazing house] Firefighter: ... Me: ... Firefighter: ... Me: ...

The First Holiday

What did Adam say the day before Christmas?

The Ultimate Introvert

I'm so introverted