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Funeral Etiquette
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral] alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad
The Sadist's Refusal
A sadist and a masochist meet. The masochist starts pleading, 'Hit me! Please hit me!'
The Perfect Interviewee
Interviewer: "What's your biggest weakness?" Interviewee: "I never learn from my mistakes" Interviewer: "Oh, why's that?"
The Baker's Dilemma
Two Scotsmen walk past a baker. One turns to the other and says 'Is that a cake or a meringue?'
Calculus and Governance
Taking calculus has made me want to become Prime Minister of a European country
Noodle Prayer
Dear Lord, Thank you for these noodles I'm about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco.
