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Science Reaches Breakthrough Discovery That Everything You Love Is Slowly Killing You
Science used to be cool. We used to get the moon landing, neon-colored Gatorade, and those little dinosaur sponges that grow in water. But lately, sci ...
Fossil Fuel Giant Secures $370 Million Tax Break by Claiming Natural Gas Is a Trendy Alternative Fuel
In a world where words no longer have meaning and gravity is just a suggestion made by nerds in lab coats, a massive fossil fuel corporation has manag ...
7 Stupid Questions That Prove Your Middle School Guidance Counselor Was A Liar
We have all heard the motivational posters hanging in middle school hallways. You know the ones: a majestic eagle soaring over a mountain range with a ...
Botox and humps: 20 camels disqualified from beauty pageant for cosmetic surgery scandal
Forget the influencers on Instagram filters or the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. The true drama of the cosmetic surgery world has officially moved ...
Florida Man Discovers 7-Foot Boa Constrictor Is the Ultimate Monday Morning Speed Bump
In most parts of the civilized world, the morning routine consists of a mild existential crisis, three cups of coffee, and perhaps a frantic search fo ...
Italian Police Launch Full Scale Military Operation to Catch a Single Tiny Thief
In the picturesque Italian city of Como, known primarily for its stunning lake and George Clooney sightings, the local authorities recently decided to ...
Local Criminal Forgets How Stealing Works in Most Impressive Display of Stupidity Yet
There is a certain level of logical thinking required to be a successful criminal. Usually, this involves a basic understanding of cause and effect. I ...
Local Dog Reacts to Soldier Returning Home Like He Just Witnessed a Middle School Magic Trick
We have all seen those heartwarming videos where a soldier returns home from a long deployment and their dog absolutely loses its mind. The canine usu ...
Illinois Finally Tackles the Big Issues by Naming the Italian Beef the Official State Sandwich
In a world where politicians usually spend their time arguing about budgets, infrastructure, or whose turn it is to buy the office donuts, the Illinoi ...
LAPD Officer Proves Disability Leave Is No Obstacle to Jumping Out of a Plane
We have all been there. You wake up with a "crick" in your neck so severe that the mere thought of sitting at a desk feels like a human rights violati ...
New Study Confirms Your Great-Great-Grandmother Had a Major Thing for Neanderthals
It turns out that your family tree might be a little more "heavy browed" than you previously suspected. A new scientific study suggests that when it c ...
Block Fires Half Its Humans After Realizing Robots Don't Need Mental Health Days or Artisanal Coffee
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has been paying attention to the slow, metallic takeover of our society, Block, the company formerly kn ...
East India Company Fails for Second Time in 400 Years Proving Not Even Global Tyranny Can Survive the Economy
It takes a special kind of talent to fail at the same job twice, especially when those failures are separated by a cool 167 years. The East India Comp ...
Washington State Licensing Hotline Accidentally Invented a New Language Instead of Using Spanish
Welcome to Washington state, where the coffee is strong, the rain is persistent, and the Department of Licensing has apparently decided that "Spanish" ...
Century Egg Challenge: How to Eat Something That Looks Like a Dinosaur’s Mistake and Smells Like a Janitor’s Closet
In the world of culinary "dares," there is a hierarchy of terror. You have your ghost peppers, your fermented shark, and then you have the heavyweight ...
Chris Hansen Tells Roblox Creditors to Have a Seat in the Metaverse
Lock up your blocky avatars and hide your digital pizza, because Chris Hansen is officially entering the Metaverse. In a crossover event that absolute ...
7 Signs You’ve Officially Become the Human Version of a Terms and Conditions Page
Have you ever had one of those moments where you realize you are essentially a ghost in your own home? Not the spooky, haunting-the-attic kind of ghos ...
Grown Men in Cargo Shorts Finally Stop Scuffling at Target as the Pokemon Card Bubble Bursts
For the past few years, trying to buy a pack of Pokémon cards has felt less like a fun childhood hobby and more like trying to secure a brick of gold ...
Florida Man Attempts to Overthrow Cuban Government Before Remembering He Has Work on Monday
We have all had those deep, late night conversations with friends where we decide that we are definitely going to quit our jobs, move to a tropical is ...
3 AM at the Diner: A Guide to Having a Full Existential Crisis Over Side-Order Hash Browns
There is a specific brand of silence that only exists in a 2:00 AM diner. It’s a thick, syrupy quiet, occasionally punctuated by the sound of a dist ...