MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR
Funny Joke
MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDARDecember 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn
upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message
for answering machine.December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion
cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.December 7
Debug Windows XP.December 8
Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem at the birth of Christ.December 9
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 10
Lay Faberge egg.December 11
Erect ice skating rink in front yard using spring water I bottled
myself.
Open for neighborhood children's use. Create festive mood by
handmaking snow and playing my Christmas album.December 12
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly
for
decorative pie crusts.December 13
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 14
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case
tires
are shot out at mall.December 15
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 16
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 17
Outfit neighborhood rats with tiny antlers.December 18
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guests will be same
height when sitting at their assigned seats.December 19
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar
to
add a festive touch to the pasture.December 20
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices, and
cinnamon sticks.December 21
Float votive candles in toilet.December 22
Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 23
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in
last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less
inadequate than they really are.December 24
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with
homemade potpourri.December 25
Alphabetize all the Christmas gifts for family and friends and
cross-reference by color and size.December 26
Write and mail Christmas thank-you notes. Order cards for next
Christmas. Estimate number of cards needed by allowing for making
new friends and actuarially appropriate death rates for current
friends and relatives.December 27
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 28
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 29
Hand sew 365 quilts, each using 365 material squares I weaved
myself used to represent the 365 days of the year. Donate to local
orphanages.December 30
Release flock of white doves, each individually decorated with
olive
branches, to signify desire of world peace.December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in
each time
zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that time zone
FREE Horoscopes sent daily to your cell phone!MARTHA STEWART'S HOLIDAY CALENDAR - Funny list of things to do from Martha Stewart's hoilday calendar - Funny Joke
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